• Musical Accord "One afternoon your ten-year old daughter comes home from school, enthused about learning to play an instrument. Your eyeballs start to throb. Your head begins to pulsate. You ask yourself whether tin ears are passed down from parents to their children..."

• Call Waiting...And Waiting...And Waiting... "My husband recently asked me to do what should have been simple task. My assignment, should I agree to accept it, was to reinvest a dividend check. Now don't get the wrong idea; I'm not talking high finance. I'm talking about a $13 check. It seemed like a reasonable request. After all, as a work-at-home freelance writer I have limitless time to wend my way through the maze referred to in polite company as an automated telephone system. A system devoid of humans. A system demanding endless digit punching. A system designed by a sadist. A system that must be destr..."

• Margarine Is Good For You. Oops -- Never Mind. "It's hard to follow the news lately without reading some scientific red alert about an everyday food. Not long ago, for instance, The Center for Science in the Public Interest announced that pastries are bad for you. All I can say is: Exactly -- that's why we eat them..."

• If It Is Broke, Don't Fix It "I have one basic approach to repair persons. I run as fast as I can in the opposite direction. It's the only way I know to avoid paying $200 to fix something worth $1.98..."

• Don't Call a Meeting "Is your PTA talking about launching an event? Is it too late for you to resign? If so, my sympathies...plus some tips to keep your sanity..."

• Dental Deal "Does the very thought of a dentist set your teeth on edge? Is pudding too challenging to chew? This contract should help mitigate your pain."

• A Poodle Tale "I read recently that elegant dog garb and pricey canine day-care are "in" these days. Frankly, I was pleased to learn this. For until I acquired this seemingly frivolous bit of information, I was seriously concerned about my parents..."

• Bracing For That Blind Date

• Mad Columnist Mad Read the latest news about me.

• If It Is Broke, Don't Fix It "I have one basic approach to repair persons. I run as fast as I can in the opposite direction. It's the only way I know to avoid paying $200 to fix something worth $1.98..."

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